| LINDA'S THOUGHTS, FEELINGS AND WRITINGS |
| "Male and female represent the two sides of the great radical dualism. But in fact they are perpetually passing into one another. Fluid hardens to solid, solid rushes to fluid. There is no wholly masculine man, no purely feminine woman." - Margaret Fuller, Woman in the Nineteenth Century, 1845. |
| Self Destructive Behavior: (from a letter to a friend) |
The self destructive behavior I talked about but didn't want to advertise on the web encompassed a number of things.
First, I became depressed in my teens over the gender issue and began to use drugs in excess to escape. On two
occasions I nearly died of an overdose
I was able to become a Cop later. Something I perceived as being very "macho" especially in the 1970's before
females were present in the street forces. I thought being a Cop would cure my feelings of being female but naturally,
it didn't.
I drank heavy, to be like "one of the guys," always volunteered for dangerous assignments to "prove I was a man,"
and cheated on my spouse because "real men have lots of sexual partners."
The only thing I got from this behavior was an early medical retirement from being injured on the job (making an
arrest during a narcotics raid), liver damage from alcohol abuse, and nearly ended up divorced when my spouse
discovered my sexual escapades.
I no longer am a Cop, rarely drink, and am thankful that my spouse stayed with me through all of this. Not only did she
help me over come all my problems but also helped me face my gender dysphoria. She always said she saw a soft side
in me which was what she fell in love with. After I transitioned she told me it must have been my femininity as she likes
me now better than ever.
Anyway....before coming to terms with things there was one last event that was pivotal in my realizing the cure was
accepting who I was inside. Being a cop and doing everything else wasn't providing a cure so I did what I perceived as
the ultimate male expression. I became a biker and associated with, and was a member of various motorcycle clubs. I
would travel out of town to conceal my identity as a Cop to be "one of the macho guys."
The final straw came one year at the annual motorcycle rally at Sturgis, South Dakota. I began to hang out with
several members of an international outlaw biker club and began to really get along with these guys. I believe I almost
became a "prospect" for membership until some things happened that just sickened me. Things happening to people
that I was powerless to stop and which I would never take part in. In one instance, someone was almost killed for no
reason and I'm certain he sustain serious injuries.
The only good part is I realized then and there that I was not like these people and this was not "the cure" I had been
searching for. I returned home that summer, parked the Harley in the garage, and rarely went out on it again. I sold it
two years later. Prior to that I had lived on that bike and had ridden across the United States on more than one
occasion.
I began to think about my life and decided I had to pursue gender transition no matter what the cost. I decided to be
true to myself and to my inner beliefs. I finally decided to be the person I knew I was rather than the person I thought
I should be.
It took a bit but I finally beached the subject with my spouse Jeri, believing she would probably leave me for sure over
something like this. Rather than leave me, she expressed the ultimate form of support; expressing her love and
advising "if that's how I felt then we would explore this together and take it as far as I felt necessary, even as far as
SRS."
Well here I am now and, for the first time in my life, have found peace and contentment.
Despite all the information out there, when I decided to pursue gender transition I was unable to find help or
information. I didn't know about the costs involved nor about electrolysis and hormones. I can't believe how dumb I
was and it wasn't until I was well on my way did I discover the wealth of information on the Internet.
My account seems to be quite a bit different from most people. Just out of curiosity I've been looking for others who
may have taken a road similar to mine in their journey.
I do think it would have been much harder to transition at a young age. By doing it at a later age, approaching 40, I
was able to control a lot of things that I would not have able to had I been younger.
I believe I was accepted by my co-workers during transition because I had worked with them for almost 20 years. I
also think they had always seen through my facade and saw a "soft side." A number of them had even stated that had
it been someone else they probably wouldn't have been so supportive and accepting.
The good part is now that they have through this with me, they now say they can accept someone else much easier
now that they know what it's about. This carries over in a very positive manner to me as I know when they meet a
transgendered person on the street it will effect how they react to that person. Before, the transgendered person would
be perceived as a freak to be harassed. Now, they are more helpful and compassionate because it's "someone like
Linda."
I've been retired from the Police Department for a few years now but many of the guys still keep in contact. Some
even plan to visit when they pass though here.
First, I became depressed in my teens over the gender issue and began to use drugs in excess to escape. On two
occasions I nearly died of an overdose
I was able to become a Cop later. Something I perceived as being very "macho" especially in the 1970's before
females were present in the street forces. I thought being a Cop would cure my feelings of being female but naturally,
it didn't.
I drank heavy, to be like "one of the guys," always volunteered for dangerous assignments to "prove I was a man,"
and cheated on my spouse because "real men have lots of sexual partners."
The only thing I got from this behavior was an early medical retirement from being injured on the job (making an
arrest during a narcotics raid), liver damage from alcohol abuse, and nearly ended up divorced when my spouse
discovered my sexual escapades.
I no longer am a Cop, rarely drink, and am thankful that my spouse stayed with me through all of this. Not only did she
help me over come all my problems but also helped me face my gender dysphoria. She always said she saw a soft side
in me which was what she fell in love with. After I transitioned she told me it must have been my femininity as she likes
me now better than ever.
Anyway....before coming to terms with things there was one last event that was pivotal in my realizing the cure was
accepting who I was inside. Being a cop and doing everything else wasn't providing a cure so I did what I perceived as
the ultimate male expression. I became a biker and associated with, and was a member of various motorcycle clubs. I
would travel out of town to conceal my identity as a Cop to be "one of the macho guys."
The final straw came one year at the annual motorcycle rally at Sturgis, South Dakota. I began to hang out with
several members of an international outlaw biker club and began to really get along with these guys. I believe I almost
became a "prospect" for membership until some things happened that just sickened me. Things happening to people
that I was powerless to stop and which I would never take part in. In one instance, someone was almost killed for no
reason and I'm certain he sustain serious injuries.
The only good part is I realized then and there that I was not like these people and this was not "the cure" I had been
searching for. I returned home that summer, parked the Harley in the garage, and rarely went out on it again. I sold it
two years later. Prior to that I had lived on that bike and had ridden across the United States on more than one
occasion.
I began to think about my life and decided I had to pursue gender transition no matter what the cost. I decided to be
true to myself and to my inner beliefs. I finally decided to be the person I knew I was rather than the person I thought
I should be.
It took a bit but I finally beached the subject with my spouse Jeri, believing she would probably leave me for sure over
something like this. Rather than leave me, she expressed the ultimate form of support; expressing her love and
advising "if that's how I felt then we would explore this together and take it as far as I felt necessary, even as far as
SRS."
Well here I am now and, for the first time in my life, have found peace and contentment.
Despite all the information out there, when I decided to pursue gender transition I was unable to find help or
information. I didn't know about the costs involved nor about electrolysis and hormones. I can't believe how dumb I
was and it wasn't until I was well on my way did I discover the wealth of information on the Internet.
My account seems to be quite a bit different from most people. Just out of curiosity I've been looking for others who
may have taken a road similar to mine in their journey.
I do think it would have been much harder to transition at a young age. By doing it at a later age, approaching 40, I
was able to control a lot of things that I would not have able to had I been younger.
I believe I was accepted by my co-workers during transition because I had worked with them for almost 20 years. I
also think they had always seen through my facade and saw a "soft side." A number of them had even stated that had
it been someone else they probably wouldn't have been so supportive and accepting.
The good part is now that they have through this with me, they now say they can accept someone else much easier
now that they know what it's about. This carries over in a very positive manner to me as I know when they meet a
transgendered person on the street it will effect how they react to that person. Before, the transgendered person would
be perceived as a freak to be harassed. Now, they are more helpful and compassionate because it's "someone like
Linda."
I've been retired from the Police Department for a few years now but many of the guys still keep in contact. Some
even plan to visit when they pass though here.
